Disease disrupts my life, my plan

Camille you’re probably the only one who will read this. Thanks for being here.

Since starting this blog I found out I had polycystic kidney disease. I’m in daily pain from it and I can’t lay down or have anything touch my kidney areas without causing discomfort. I also have no health insurance and have no way to get treatment. Additionally, I feel like my mom has abandoned me, and since I have no siblings, I feel very alone.

Since this happened, Ive become pessimistic and afraid. I’ve retreated into an isolated shell where everyday I play blitz chess all day and overeat because I don’t want to think about my situation. I know that if I continue on this path my situation will be worse than it already is. I need to change but the fear and depression are holding me down.

First I think I need to find whatever optimism is to be found. PKD progresses differently in different people. I could have a decade before I need dialysis. Many people are struck suddenly by a fatal disease that takes them quickly. At least I have some time that I’m able to know what hit me and make preparations.

I need to find my vision, which is, not playing blitz chess and losing the weight I’ve gained.

Habits don’t go away on their own, they must be replaced with new habits. I need to think seriously about what habits I need to install in myself to meet my vision.

I have gotten all the maintenance I have needed to get done on my car. Once it gets out of the shop within the week it will be easier because I won’t be stuck at home. I don’t know how much easier this will make things, but at least a little.

What should be my plan for tomorrow?

First I won’t play blitz chess at all. I will get up, do 2 hours of chores and then walk to the grocery store to buy some kind of healthy vegetable rich meal to eat. then I will come home and read “Somewhere Inside” about a journalist who got stuck in North Korea.

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